A Gilded Butterfly

walking on the beach

i have this dream, every time i have it i can’t remember that i’ve had it before. i’m standing in the middle of this empty, cloudy beach. i’m wearing this plain white button down blouse that i’ve had forever and for some reason i’m not cold.

i close my eyes and i can smell the ocean. the smell of seaweed and salt is so strong that i know i don’t have to lean down to feel the shell cutting into my foot to know that it’s there. this is real; i’m at a beach.

and then i start walking, walking straight forward, just straight forward. i don’t have sandals and i’m not worried about anything upcoming, i’m just walking straight. there’s nothing but beach ahead of me but i keep walking. it’s relaxing, so i walk for hours that way just headed straight knowing that i’m going in the right direction.

then i feel it pierce like a gunshot and i look down and my foot is bleeding. i’m stepping on the shell that was touching my foot earlier, the shell that i first stood on. i scream and no one can hear me. i bleed but the blood just seeps into the water and disappears as if it weren’t there.

i’m not sure if i’m dreaming or awake. i know that i’m going the right direction; i’ve already applied to 4 internships and i’ve signed up for my LSAT class. whether you chose the direction or your parents chose it for you, walking is easy when you know which direction you’re walking. you know what’s difficult? figuring out which direction you’re facing.

so i look at the blood on my foot, and then it starts all over again. i feel pain, i feel blood rushing out of a gash on my foot, but i don’t fix it. i let the water wash it away. maybe if i pretend it’s not there it won’t be. 

am i dreaming? i’m not sure. either way, i’m walking in a direction i didn’t choose and the cut on my foot is like a weight; one high tide and i’ll drown.