A Gilded Butterfly

airport rant

so there are a lot of things i hate about airports but I’m just going to list a few of the things I hate here (please keep in mind i know this is for our country’s safety, but i’m just in the mood to bitch about it):

1. every single time I fly (whether it’s local [las vegas] or international [paris]) i am ALWAYS “randomly” selected for extra bomb screening. this is a gigantic pain in the ass because not only have i now been through every machine human kind has invented for bomb detection, but i am always required to have a pat down which is essentially rape. also, it causes a delay since no one else in my family is ever randomly selected and while they wait my mom always pastes her fantastical ‘not again’ look as if i asked to be physically molested by the TSA. may i just ask what the statistical probability of being selected for random bomb screenings 100% of the time i go to the airport is?

2. taking off everything but your underwear to get through security. i guess my odds are just not good at the airport because i always end up in line behind some dumb bitch who’s apparently never been to an airport before or can’t read gigantic signs that say “take your fucking shoes off” and so i have to wait for her to unstrap all 4 straps of her fucking clogs. 

3. putting your clothes back on. so when you’re taking your clothes off, everyone’s taking their sweet ass time taking off their rings, belts, shoes, jackets, grandmother’s antique bracelet, unzipping their laptop, oops i forgot my cellphone let’s do that again, and it takes forever to walk through the metal detectors. but as soon as you do, all of a sudden it’s like the amazing race and everyone’s peer pressuring the shit out of me to get my shit at ten thousand miles an hour and get out of the way. listen bitch, you took a good 10 minutes taking your clogs off, you can wait 2 seconds for me to zip up my laptop k?

4. paying $50 to check in a bag and then having them weigh it and charging you an extra $25 because it’s cloudy today and they feel like it. do i have to explain more? and then there’s always that line to check in your luggage that takes at least an hour because EVERY SINGLE PERSON has to comment on how there’s a $50 fee as if this were brand new. how about this, i’ll fucking pay $100 to cut this line and not listen to you bitch about how you have to pay for your luggage even though this rule has been around for YEARS. i don’t know why every passenger thinks that if they say “$50? that is so ridiculous i don’t want to pay for that.” the attendant’s gonna turn around and be like “you know what you’re right. and i have the authority to waive that charge for you and everyone else. would you like me to get you a unicorn to ride to your gate so you don’t have to walk either?” just shut up, pay the $50 you knew you had to pay so i can go get raped at the security line.

5. no liquids on the airplane. okay so i understand the rule but it kind of pisses me off that 100 feet after you throw away your water bottle there’s a food stand to buy water bottles for $7 each. okay that’s annoying, but that’s not quite as annoying as the lady in front of you in security who tries to bargain with the TSA about bringing her designer face lotion onto the plane. “but you don’t understand, this was made with fish oil and angel hair! it’s over $400!” the TSA doesn’t give a shit if you went to narnia and back to get that face lotion, if it’s over the liquid count it’s not going through so just stop backing up the line and throw it away because i don’t want to listen to the entire list of ingredients you’re making up on the spot and by this point i’ve already waited in at least 5 lines and been in the airport for two hours listening to stupid people talk.

6. flying first class. okay so this could be a “the 1%” problem, but this is something i find annoying so i’m writing it anyway. whenever i fly first class or business class anywhere, every single passenger makes it their personal goal to look at me like i murdered a baby to get this seat. i’m sorry that my mom has a lot of frequent flier miles and for the record, i did not hurt/murder anyone to sit here. i’m sorry that you’re fat and the person next to you is being a bitch because they’re taking the arm rest, but that doesn’t change the fact that i had no part in your shitty situation so stop giving me the look of death. literally one guy from coach almost started a riot and was like “why don’t you guys sit back here with the rest of us?” and then other people started chanting “yeah! yeah!” what is this communist china? if you hate the idea of first class then fly on the walmart of airplanes, southwest. we’re not sitting back in coach because we paid 3 to 4 times what you paid for your airplane ticket so we don’t have to listen to you bitch about throwing away your malaysian face cream.

7. southwest, the walmart of airplanes. literally, southwest is the worst airline, worst business practice i’ve ever fucking encountered. i have no idea how they are still an airline or in business period. first off, i hate the entire loading system at southwest. i would really like to know which genius was like, “how about we divide a huge airplane into 3 parts and then say ‘ready or not grab a seat like a rabid animal’?” so that i can destroy his childhood toys and kill his family pets. so anyway, how it works is the stewardess calls a section and then you go wait in line. She calls section A so i go and stand in line like a polite human being waiting my turn to board the plane. that’s not how it works at southwest. all of a sudden it’s like a hybrid rugby/dodgeball game where normal humans turn into overly competitive monkeys over shitty southwest seats. people are pushing and reserving seats and shouting at each other from other aisles and i’m like what in the actual fuck is happening? apparently, it’s just a fuck-it freeforall where you sit where you want, wherever you want which isn’t even a good idea in theory and even worse in practice. for some reason, where you sit on this 3 hour flight is a HUGE fucking deal to everyone even though we all have the same shitty seats and the same shitty leg room and newsflash: WE’RE STILL ON SOUTHWEST.

8. takeoff announcements. i’ve flown a lot and nearly memorized the takeoff announcements. let me tell you, all of the information that they tell you that you “vitally need to listen to” is totally useless or just common sense. “hello, thank you for choosing american airlines; today your captain is Jean Picard and we’ll be flying at an altitude of 30,000 feet (oh great, because i know what the fuck that means and it’s my favorite altitude!). in a few moments we’ll be showing you a video of how to strap your seatbelt in 40 different languages. if for any reason the oxygen mask comes down, please secure your mask before you help others [show video of child suffocating while you put your mask on]. the exits are here, here, and here (there are lights leading you to the exit so even if you’re just stupid, follow the lines of people walking towards the exits in case of an emergency); the local time is 9:30 and we’ll be arriving at your destination in approximately 3 and a half hours.” nearly everything they say in that 3 minute span is completely useless. like anyone in there knows or cares what altitude we’re at and if you don’t know how to strap in a seatbelt then you shouldn’t be on this fucking airplane or any other moving vehicle. also, the only time that those gigantic slides for a water landing has ever failed was when an airline was testing emergency procedure and some dumb bitch punctured the slide with her high heel. there have been no fatalities or injuries because of water landings so all of the people on xanax can calm the fuck down.

9. baggage claim. for some reason, i am super competitive about baggage claim. i always want to be right where the luggage comes out and i want my luggage now. and guess what, EVERYONE ELSE SHARES THE SAME FEELINGS AS ME. even if it makes more economically sense to just spread the fuck out, everyone gathers in a clusterfuck right where they think the luggage is gonna come out and all manners are out the window. inevitably, it always comes out of the OTHER luggage chute and then people run over there like it’s black friday at walmart. people just lose complete sight of the fact that they saved maybe 30 seconds by knocking over a toddler to get their bag, but i’m right there with them running people over and stealing smartkarts. me and my brother have developed a fucking system for being the first group to get all of our luggage and it’s flawless. since i’m competitive, i’m not going to share it with you but let me just say, we always get our shit and leave before everyone else. we’re the perfect team; little baby 12 year old boy and 18-22 year old girl who takes advantage of business men and take their perfect spots in front of the baggage claim. 

okay that’s all. don’t judge me about the first class thing, my mom racks up a lot of frequent flier miles so if i fly alone or whatever she lets me use them.

lauren